Rant on Planet Hawleywood

Too god-damned soon..

Mon, 30 Oct 2023 00:00:00 +0000

I’m sitting in the theater getting ready to watch 5 Nights at Freddy’s on the day before Halloween. The pre-show commercials have been back-to back-Christmas. What the actual fuck?

I am a digital hoarder

Wed, 25 Oct 2023 00:00:00 +0000

You’ve amassed hundreds, or maybe thousands of (fill in the blank with whatever digital goodie you hoard - e-books, video files, meme photos…etc.).

More than you could ever read, watch or enjoy. You want to delete half, maybe more. You want to feel less anxious when you see that directory.

You want to believe that you can prune it down to something manageable. Something you could actually use.

But then you realize that you may never find some of those things again. Plus, you’ve got tons of storage. Deleting will only increase the anxiety that you’re deleting the “wrong” thing.

The gift that nobody wants.

Mon, 18 Sep 2023 00:00:00 +0000

Two friends that I hung out with last week texted me in the last few days to tell me that they’ve tested positive for COVID.

I’ve taken two antigen tests since then and so far I’m in the clear. But I am working from home this week and avoiding crowds just to be safe.

I can’t help thinking how much of this might have been avoided if it wasn’t for people’s carelessness when it all started.

The Case for Norma Crandall

Sun, 14 Aug 2022 00:00:00 +0000

I’m no bibliophile, but I’ve read a lot of books and recently while discussing the “book was better” trope of horror movies, we talked about how it is pretty common knowledge that Stephen King hated Stanley Kubrick’s take on his story of “The Shining”. Not because it was better, but because Kubrick fundamentally changed the story.

I was asked if I’d ever heard about Stephen King being upset over other screen-versions of his books, and I admitted that I don’t know. I’ve read a lot of Stephen King, but not everything. It’s rare that the movie duplicates the flow of the book, and in some cases there are elements of a book that just do not translate to film and have to be either forced via creative effects and bad CGI or eliminated altogether.

They really miss me!

Thu, 21 Nov 2019 00:00:00 +0000

This morning I was plagued by repeated robocalls in the car on the way to work. I just kept rejecting them (they were interrupting my audiobook!)

Not until I arrived did I see the voicemails I got. It turns out these calls were not robocalls - they were my old job trying to get a hold of me.

There’s a SEV-1 (production outage) at my old office and apparently no one told the help desk that I don’t work there anymore.

SELinux is the devil

Tue, 20 Nov 2018 00:00:00 +0000

I spent two hours troubleshooting strange Apache behavior on a new VM before discovering SELinux was enforcing

I always use CentOS in the cloud because it’s stable and awesome for server-grade applications (web server, webdav, samba…etc) I use Ubuntu or a Debian derivative on the desktop because the packages are more up to date and I don’t mind living on the edge at home. (Plus - interacting with CentOS and Ubuntu both on a daily basis keeps me sharp!)

Fort Impostor

Fri, 13 Oct 2017 00:00:00 +0000

I have named my office “Fort Impostor” and this is my…manifesto.

“The Fraud Police are the imaginary, terrifying force of ‘real’ grown-ups who you believe – at some subconscious level – are going to come knocking on your door in the middle of the night, saying: We’ve been watching you, and we have evidence that you have NO IDEA WHAT YOU’RE DOING. You stand accused of the crime of completely winging it, you are guilty of making shit up as you go along, you do not actually deserve your job, we are taking everything away, and we are TELLING EVERYBODY.” Amanda Palmer, The Art of Asking; or, How I Learned to Stop Worrying and Let People Help

Death of a Bully

Wed, 28 Dec 2016 00:00:00 +0000

I found out after the fact that my bully from grade school died. He was not well liked by most people, if I remember correctly, but I was surprised at the outpouring of emotion online when his death was announced. A lot of years have passed in the interim and in hindsight, I suspect there were other factors at play. Perhaps he’d changed. Perhaps he didn’t grow up to be the insolent prick I knew him as. But that doesn’t change my feelings. His treatment of me (and others) affected my self-esteem for years.

Pokemon Go Incident

Thu, 21 Jul 2016 00:00:00 +0000

So we had a Pokémon Go incident a few days ago. This mother and son came to the office asking if they could catch the Pikachu that likes to hang around here.

I didn’t see a problem so I let them in.

Well the kid was super excited, running and jumping around everywhere. Well, he wasn’t looking where he was going, and he slammed his head into a shelf unit.

That time I beat Best Buy at their own game

Sat, 21 Feb 2015 00:00:00 +0000

So we go to Best Buy to buy some computer stuff that was on sale.

I get to the Geek Squad counter and show the guy my phone with the items I want, in stock at that store and the price.

He gets them and tells me the price is $10 more than I planned.

I show him my phone with the sale price. He is unfazed. He cannot sell me the items at the advertised price. I thank him and walk away.

The End of an Era

Fri, 29 Aug 2014 00:00:00 +0000

In November 2009 I started a journal to help myself deal with yet another car problem. Since then, I have added other writings to the journal and tried to make it a more full compendium of my digital journaling.

But it started with a car problem. Not just any car problem, but, at the time, the latest in a long line of car problems that was slowly squeezing my sanity. Hell, re-read some of these blog posts and see how often the car is the subject of any particular entry. That damned Saturn stole a lot of my life over the last 13 years.

Nerves of Jello

Thu, 24 Jul 2014 00:00:00 +0000

Ever have a really bad day? Or a bunch of bad days in a row? Me too. I’ve masked the names to protect the guilty.

For a very long time I have been aware that stress can take a toll on your health. But in my experience, it’s never been immediate like it has lately.

It started this past weekend with an on-call nightmare: I got two calls about Asterisk, (not my specialty) on Saturday. One guy just needed it started. He had rebooted his machine and now it didn’t work. Easy fix. But the call ruined my lunch. By the time I was done my frozen pizza was almost frozen again.

Probably the worst day ever

Thu, 13 Feb 2014 00:00:00 +0000

After it was all over, I knew I was going to have to write about it. I don’t know why. Perhaps I like re-reading my miserable days? Maybe there’s something inside of me that feels it necessary to document these things? My therapist asked me once why I write about my problems and then keep the results? Why don’t I write about them, then throw them away? I don’t know. Maybe that’s a good idea.

It still makes me mad

Mon, 27 Jan 2014 00:00:00 +0000

The question was:

What was something that was done to you as a child, although insignificant now, that still makes you furious?

My Answer:

I went to parochial school for K-12 and my childhood was filled with nuns and priests and other terrors. To this day I’ll never forgive my Kindergarten teacher Sr. Vincent. One day I complained of having a headache and asked to put my head on my desk and she refused, telling me that “Only teachers and parents get headaches.”

Not my bathroom

Fri, 29 Mar 2013 00:00:00 +0000

At every new job, I spend the first few weeks looking for “my” bathroom. The one that’s less popular, usually clean, and bonus points for a locking door. When I worked for the County, I found a candidate at the Data Center that checked all the boxes except for this glaring downside.

I could not imagine watching myself shit. Who does this?

I'm Gonna Kick My Brain's Ass

Wed, 03 Oct 2012 00:00:00 +0000

Occam’s Razor states that

“Among competing hypotheses, the one which makes the fewest assumptions should be selected"Occam’s Razor

In other words, the simplest answer is usually correct.

On my way into work this morning, I stopped for gas and as I was driving in, I slowly became aware of an ominous clunking sound coming from the back of the car whenever I made a turn or went over a big bump. My first thought, of course, was that the rear axle has become separated from the car and fiery death was imminent.

In Defense of Thanksgiving

Sun, 20 Nov 2011 00:00:00 +0000

This was when St Charles of Thanksgiving was born.

Wherein I declare myself the founder of the “Defense of Thanksgiving Tradition Society”

I posted this to Facebook. I was my second try at taking out my frustrations on Christmas Creep. I called out a number of specific violations, but never tagged those offenders or really did anything about it. This one wasn’t as strong as Dear Santa.

In defense of Thanksgiving:

Dear Santa

Fri, 11 Nov 2011 00:00:00 +0000

My take on Christmas Creep. Originally posted on Facebook, I wanted to write something hateful, full of swearing and insults. In the end, I changed it to more of a “letter to the editor” type of thing.

Don’t think the irony of signing the letter, from “All of Us” was lost on me. If it’s good enough for the mice in that Christmas special, it was good enough for me here.

...and that, kids, is how I broke my phone

Fri, 25 Sep 2009 00:00:00 +0000

Nobody Believes A Headache

Thu, 12 Oct 2006 00:00:00 +0000

Have you ever had a headache? Sure you have. Have you ever tried to explain the pain to someone else? Using words like “splitting”, “aching”, “throbbing” or “tumor”? Do you think they have any idea how you really feel?

I had another of “my headaches” today. Woke up with it, took some aspirin, it got a little better, aspirin wore off, it came back way worse. It got so bad that I was getting nauseous and a little nervous. I’ve had bad headaches, but this was a “top-ten-ever” kinda headache, so I told my boss I was taking the rest of the afternoon off. As I packed up my stuff to come home, I told the guys in the office why I was leaving and got the impression that they really didn’t know how bad it was. Since I get these bad migraines every once in a while, this wasn’t the first time I’ve left work because of one. I was afraid of leaving the impression that I just wanted to slack off for the rest of the day, and knew that I could say the word “headache” and there would be no questions asked.

Programming on a Full Brain

Wed, 26 Jul 2006 00:00:00 +0000

I like my job. Remember that.

“It helps to remind those who think of programming as a “cushy job” that programmer burnout rates are high, programmer divorce rates extraordinary, programmer work hours are obscene, programmer job security is next to non-existent, programmers come home from long work weeks of programming to spend hours more in unpaid self-training to keep up with a field that abandons those who stop learning for even six months.“Found on USENET

Pre-Winter Car Freakout

Thu, 17 Nov 2005 00:00:00 +0000

First of all, let me apologize in advance if the following sounds a bit, well, severe. It’s had all morning to bake in my head until it was golden brown and ready to be served…

I woke up this morning and turned on the news as usual. What did I see?

IT’S SNOWING!! Yes, goddamn it, it’s snowing already. It’s not even Thanksgiving! You know what that means? It means winter is here. I hate winter. I hate the cold with a passion normally reserved for war criminals and Ravens fans. There I was standing out at the bus stop freezing my balls off and thinking about winter. And when I think about winter I don’t think about snowmen and Christmas carols and spiced apple-cider. I think about my car.

Headache Day #1,378

Wed, 26 Oct 2005 00:00:00 +0000

Ok, so I’m about eight hours into one of my all-day-headaches. I get a headache of some sort almost every day, and usually a couple Excedrin in the morning gets me right for the rest of the day.

This is not one of those days.

I think I dreamed myself into this headache because I woke up with it. Or rather, this headache woke me up. I remember having some kind of complex dream about work. I’m trying to integrate a database and some existing documents to generate documents on-the-fly for one of the departments and with the deadline fast-approaching, I’m stuck on where to begin. Nevertheless, it’s enough to give me a headache when I’m awake, let alone in a dream.

I might be a redneck

Sun, 03 Jul 2005 00:00:00 +0000

I miiight be a redneck…

Ok, boys and girls, gather ‘round for another chapter of"I Hate My Car!"

Yesterday, while driving around, I heard a thud followed by a series of smaller thuds. Upon arriving at our destination, I checked it out and found out that the muffler strap that I just had put on 18 months ago had rusted through. The original muffler strap lasted 5 years. The replacement lasted a year and a half. Damn it.

Things that make you go... BOOM!

Sat, 05 Mar 2005 00:00:00 +0000

So we wake up this morning to a phone call. The first thought that goes through my head was…“Oh, shit! Who died now??”

As it turns out - nobody died.

Joe got in a car accident this morning out in North Royalton. It seems he was hit in the tire. (yeah - in the driver’s side tire. That’s it. To look at the car, you’d never know anything was wrong - no body damage at all.) The tie rod is all bent at a 45-degree angle and the strut is bent too. Luckily, the lady that hit him admitted fault completely and turned everything over to her insurance company. He had the car towed to North Olmsted Dodge, and we went out to North Royalton to pick him up. He’s getting a loaner car on Monday, so I’m playing chauffeur all weekend.

A Super Bowl and a Super Bill

Mon, 07 Feb 2005 00:00:00 +0000

A Super Bowl and a Super Bill.

So we went to Divot’s for the Super Bowl last night. We had a designated driver, so I’m lucky I even remember the final score. Had a great time, hung out with family and friends and even had my picture taken with my heroes:

IM000338.JPG

This morning after the worst part of the hang-over had passed Carrie and I finally dragged ourselves out and took the car to Firestone to see what the hell that grind-y, clunky noise was.

What the hell is that noise?

Sat, 05 Feb 2005 00:00:00 +0000

Those of you who know me, know how much I love my car. (See: I’m Scared of My Car for a refresher). So a couple of weeks ago I started noticing odd noises coming from the back of the car. Sort of a squeaking sound, not unlike the sound my computer chair makes when I lean too far backward in it. Even Carrie started hearing the noise about a week ago - so I know I’m not crazy, it’s getting worse. At first, we thought that there was something rolling and banging around in the trunk. I checked and repacked the spare tire and jack. Still noisy. I moved all the crap we keep in the trunk around a little and tried to recreate the noise by shaking things. Nothing.

I'm Scared of My Car

Thu, 06 Feb 2003 00:00:00 +0000

It’s no secret I hated my 1997 Saturn SL2. Shortly after I bought it, I started having troubles with it. I also started having stress issues that took me years and years to work through.

Now, I’m not saying the car made me crazy.

But it helped.

A classic (in my own mind). I have had a lot of problems with my car and am admittedly way too obsessed with it. Writing this helped me through one of those times when I was ready to drive it back to the dealership and put a bullet in it.