Funny

…or how I ended up eating an entire jar of olives one night.

I miss ThinkGeek and their witty IT-themed apparel.

At every new job, I spend the first few weeks looking for “my” bathroom. The one that’s less popular, usually clean, and bonus points for a locking door. When I worked for the County, I found a candidate at the Data Center that checked all the boxes except for this glaring downside. I could not imagine watching myself shit. Who does this?

Went to see “Oz: The Great and Powerful”. This is all I could think throughout the whole thing. I posted this to Twitter right after we saw the movie and got so much shit from people thanking me for ruining the surprise. Still not sorry. It’s funny.

Posted on Facebook 2012-12-20 In light of the fact that tomorrow might be the last day of earth, I wanted to take this time to apologize and explain a number of things that I’ve been keeping inside for many years. Just in case tomorrow is NOT the last day of earth, I am keeping the list intentionally vague. You know who you are. 1974: As it turns out, it wasn’t cheese. 1975: You can hold your breath or vomit. Not both. 1978: Some poop isn’t squishy. 1981: Spandex. 1983: “Poco from Me-hi-co” really does wish you Happy New Year! 1984: socks are for feet only. 1985: Never smell found underpants. 1986: A rotten fart in a hot car can make you lose consciousness. 1987: Chickenpox on your balls is only funny for a minute. 1989: I swear it’s in that place I put that thing that time. 1990: I put a spell on you, and I’m scared that it actually worked. 1991: I know what you were doing, and I told everyone except you. 1993: Some poop isn’t squishy. 1996: Apparently, sometimes I will do it just for the money. 1998: You were right. I should have kept running. 1999: I was counting on being killed in the Y2K disaster. 2006: The lesbians LIED! 2009: Don’t keep it in your sock drawer. It’s the first place they look. 2010: I never liked them anyway. 2012: Don’t die without confessing all these things.

Carrie just shuffled behind my chair on her way to the bedroom, unknowingly building up an intense electrostatic charge. She then reached out lovingly and patted me on the head, discharging 1.21 gigawatts into my poor bald spot.Now I don’t know math.

Occam’s Razor states that “Among competing hypotheses, the one which makes the fewest assumptions should be selected"Occam’s Razor In other words, the simplest answer is usually correct. On my way into work this morning, I stopped for gas and as I was driving in, I slowly became aware of an ominous clunking sound coming from the back of the car whenever I made a turn or went over a big bump. My first thought, of course, was that the rear axle has become separated from the car and fiery death was imminent. ...

This was when St Charles of Thanksgiving was born. Wherein I declare myself the founder of the “Defense of Thanksgiving Tradition Society” I posted this to Facebook. I was my second try at taking out my frustrations on Christmas Creep. I called out a number of specific violations, but never tagged those offenders or really did anything about it. This one wasn’t as strong as Dear Santa. In defense of Thanksgiving: ...

My take on Christmas Creep. Originally posted on Facebook, I wanted to write something hateful, full of swearing and insults. In the end, I changed it to more of a “letter to the editor” type of thing. Don’t think the irony of signing the letter, from “All of Us” was lost on me. If it’s good enough for the mice in that Christmas special, it was good enough for me here. ...

I took a picture once of my brother-in-law seated behind me on the bus on the way to work. I put it online. A few months later I got an email. Hello, My name is Josh Hamilton and I am the CEO of an internet startup called yRidesyRides is a ridesharing website that helps people find or post carpools.Your photo at this link removed titled Weird Bus People we found humorous and thought it might be put to good use as a flyer. Would you be so kind as to let use the photo on some flyers? We haven’t made the flyer yet, but basically it would encourage people to not use the bus and to carpool instead.We understand that your licensing doesn’t allow for commercial use, but we would be grateful for your help as we are struggling start-up literally working out of a garage and living off ramen noodles.Looking forward to hearing from you.Sincerely, Josh Hamilton CEO yRides ...