Funny on Planet Hawleywood

What's a Ouija Wall?

Sun, 07 Sep 2025 00:00:00 +0000

During a chat with an AI, I twice mentioned having to “put up the Ouija Wall”. I did not expect it to zone in on that term. So I explained myself. And then gave it a job.

AI Response 1

What the fuck is a Ouija wall? And how are you putting it up before people wake up? You must be a damn magician. I’m all about Halloween, but a Ouija wall sounds like some next-level, potentially haunted shit. Are you sure you’re not inviting something you’re not ready for? Just kidding… mostly.

Meet me half way

Fri, 03 Jan 2025 00:00:00 +0000

How about delivery service that only delivers halfway?

Like, you call to order a pizza, and they say, okay, I’ll meet you in the Marc’s parking lot in a half-hour.

G-Pa Slip and Fall Compilation

Sat, 09 Dec 2023 00:00:00 +0000

Since this keeps getting removed from YouTube, I thought I’d just host it here. God forbid TruTV or MTV get a little promotion.

July 4, 2010, at a family picnic my father tried to “Slip and Slide”. It did not go well, but he was unharmed. I got the entire thing on video and posted it online. Shortly thereafter I was contacted by TruTv and MTV, both offering to buy the video to air on their networks.

Boring Home Snack? Take it to work!

Tue, 21 Nov 2023 00:00:00 +0000

I posted this on Facebook 10 years ago. But it’s still true.

I like Fall

Fri, 13 Oct 2023 00:00:00 +0000

Nine traits of the veteran Unix admin

Wed, 30 Aug 2023 00:00:00 +0000

Note: I found this article onlineand wanted to save it to my Wallabag instance, but it’s frustratingly split into 2 pages and would require a lot of pointless gymnastics to combine. So, instead, I copy/pasted the article contents here and offer it as geeky entertainment while granting all credit to the original author and publication. All original links are intact. Enjoy

The Deep End

By Paul Venezia, Senior Contributing Editor, InfoWorld | Feb 14, 2011 6:00 am PST

Drunk in Reverse

Mon, 28 Aug 2023 00:00:00 +0000

Facebook posts from “Birthday Week” 14 years ago.

Read from bottom to top.

We are ready to rock.

Fri, 18 Aug 2023 00:00:00 +0000

Waiting in the theater for https://metallica.filmTrying to resist taking a photo of our crowd with the caption: if you’re here tonight, remember to make your colonoscopy appointment tomorrow.#metallica #metalrules #gettingolder

Night One

Night Two

Toto's Africa is about a Werewolf. Change my mind.

Sun, 16 Apr 2023 00:00:00 +0000

“It’s gonna take a lot to drag me away from you/there’s nothing that a hundred men or more could ever do” Africa - by Toto

So why is the singer not with her now?

This is my theory of Toto’s “Africa”

In Toto’s “Africa,” why is the speaker in Africa in the first place?

Answer: he is “hoping to find some long-forgotten words or ancient melodies.” He is a student of the occult.

Sense of Adventure is high

Sat, 24 Sep 2022 00:00:00 +0000

Tumblr Share Test Post

Thu, 11 Aug 2022 00:00:00 +0000

https://stirfriedrandom-blog.tumblr.com/post/686444288015532032/i-just-had-one-of-them-40-hour-days-and-now-my

https://stirfriedrandom-blog.tumblr.com/post/679982407036862464/im-in-this-picture-and-i-dont-like-it

https://stirfriedrandom-blog.tumblr.com/post/689129746251071488

The Force was not with her

Wed, 04 Dec 2019 00:00:00 +0000

Today in Batuu, a staff member taught me how to take burst-photos with my phone and then select a single frame that gives the illusion of magic.

Unfortunately, Joe has never seen Star Wars and only held his hand out as instructed. Ashley, however knew what to do, and I was able to capture this sweet photo of her being force-choked in front of the Millennium Falcon.

In case you forget.

Thu, 02 Feb 2017 00:00:00 +0000

During my time working at the Sheriff’s Office, I had the privilege of being able to traverse the building freely since I was part of IT.

Any room that had a computer was a potential visit for us in case we needed to plug something in or turn something off and on again.

One afternoon, a few of us were tasked with setting up donated computers in one of the classrooms.

Pokemon Go Incident

Thu, 21 Jul 2016 00:00:00 +0000

So we had a Pokémon Go incident a few days ago. This mother and son came to the office asking if they could catch the Pikachu that likes to hang around here.

I didn’t see a problem so I let them in.

Well the kid was super excited, running and jumping around everywhere. Well, he wasn’t looking where he was going, and he slammed his head into a shelf unit.

I can install Linux on anything!

Thu, 10 Sep 2015 00:00:00 +0000

Pro Wrestler or Porn Star?

Fri, 21 Aug 2015 00:00:00 +0000

Pro Wrestler name or Porn star name?

Either way I am picking from this list the next time I am stopped in the mall for a survey.

Slab Bulkhead

Fridge Largemeat

Punt Speedchunk

Butch Deadlift

Bold Bigflank

Splint Chesthair

Flint Ironstag

Bolt Vanderhuge

Thick McRunfast

Blast Hardcheese

Buff Drinklots

Trunk Slamchest

Fist Rockbone

Stump Beefgnaw

Smash Lampjaw

Punch Rockgroin

Buck Plankchest

Stump Chunkman

Dirk Hardpeck

Rip Steakface

Slate Slabrock

Crud Bonemeal

That time I beat Best Buy at their own game

Sat, 21 Feb 2015 00:00:00 +0000

So we go to Best Buy to buy some computer stuff that was on sale.

I get to the Geek Squad counter and show the guy my phone with the items I want, in stock at that store and the price.

He gets them and tells me the price is $10 more than I planned.

I show him my phone with the sale price. He is unfazed. He cannot sell me the items at the advertised price. I thank him and walk away.

You think your job sucks?

Fri, 19 Sep 2014 00:00:00 +0000

Let me tell you about the people I work with.

First, there’s this supermodel wanna-be chick. Ok, I’ll admit, she’s pretty hot, but damn she is completely useless. The girl is constantly fixing her hair or putting on her makeup. She is extremely self-centered and never considers the needs of anyone other than herself. She is dumber than a box of rocks and I find it surprising that she has enough brain power to breathe.

Toilet Timer

Thu, 21 Aug 2014 00:00:00 +0000

The bathroom lights at work have automatic motion sensors. This happens more often than I’d like.

Angry Spaghetti

Thu, 31 Jul 2014 00:00:00 +0000

One time we got in such an argument over where to eat we finally stayed home and Carrie made spaghetti.

You could actually taste the frustration and anger in the sauce.

From that point forward, that dish has been known as “Angry Spaghetti”.

We’ve never had “Angry Spaghetti” since.

I'm hungry

Thu, 14 Nov 2013 00:00:00 +0000

…or how I ended up eating an entire jar of olives one night.

The "No-Help" Desk

Fri, 19 Apr 2013 00:00:00 +0000

I miss ThinkGeek and their witty IT-themed apparel.

Not my bathroom

Fri, 29 Mar 2013 00:00:00 +0000

At every new job, I spend the first few weeks looking for “my” bathroom. The one that’s less popular, usually clean, and bonus points for a locking door. When I worked for the County, I found a candidate at the Data Center that checked all the boxes except for this glaring downside.

I could not imagine watching myself shit. Who does this?

Shut up, green Meg.

Mon, 11 Mar 2013 00:00:00 +0000

Went to see “Oz: The Great and Powerful”. This is all I could think throughout the whole thing.

I posted this to Twitter right after we saw the movie and got so much shit from people thanking me for ruining the surprise.

Still not sorry.

It’s funny.

Open in case of Armageddon

Thu, 20 Dec 2012 00:00:00 +0000

Posted on Facebook 2012-12-20

In light of the fact that tomorrow might be the last day of earth, I wanted to take this time to apologize and explain a number of things that I’ve been keeping inside for many years. Just in case tomorrow is NOT the last day of earth, I am keeping the list intentionally vague. You know who you are.

1974: As it turns out, it wasn’t cheese.
1975: You can hold your breath or vomit. Not both.
1978: Some poop isn’t squishy.
1981: Spandex.
1983: “Poco from Me-hi-co” really does wish you Happy New Year!
1984: socks are for feet only.
1985: Never smell found underpants.
1986: A rotten fart in a hot car can make you lose consciousness.
1987: Chickenpox on your balls is only funny for a minute.
1989: I swear it’s in that place I put that thing that time.
1990: I put a spell on you, and I’m scared that it actually worked.
1991: I know what you were doing, and I told everyone except you.
1993: Some poop isn’t squishy.
1996: Apparently, sometimes I will do it just for the money.
1998: You were right. I should have kept running.
1999: I was counting on being killed in the Y2K disaster.
2006: The lesbians LIED!
2009: Don’t keep it in your sock drawer. It’s the first place they look.
2010: I never liked them anyway.
2012: Don’t die without confessing all these things.

Now I don't know math

Thu, 29 Nov 2012 00:00:00 +0000

Carrie just shuffled behind my chair on her way to the bedroom, unknowingly building up an intense electrostatic charge. She then reached out lovingly and patted me on the head, discharging 1.21 gigawatts into my poor bald spot.Now I don’t know math.

I'm Gonna Kick My Brain's Ass

Wed, 03 Oct 2012 00:00:00 +0000

Occam’s Razor states that

“Among competing hypotheses, the one which makes the fewest assumptions should be selected"Occam’s Razor

In other words, the simplest answer is usually correct.

On my way into work this morning, I stopped for gas and as I was driving in, I slowly became aware of an ominous clunking sound coming from the back of the car whenever I made a turn or went over a big bump. My first thought, of course, was that the rear axle has become separated from the car and fiery death was imminent.

In Defense of Thanksgiving

Sun, 20 Nov 2011 00:00:00 +0000

This was when St Charles of Thanksgiving was born.

Wherein I declare myself the founder of the “Defense of Thanksgiving Tradition Society”

I posted this to Facebook. I was my second try at taking out my frustrations on Christmas Creep. I called out a number of specific violations, but never tagged those offenders or really did anything about it. This one wasn’t as strong as Dear Santa.

In defense of Thanksgiving:

Dear Santa

Fri, 11 Nov 2011 00:00:00 +0000

My take on Christmas Creep. Originally posted on Facebook, I wanted to write something hateful, full of swearing and insults. In the end, I changed it to more of a “letter to the editor” type of thing.

Don’t think the irony of signing the letter, from “All of Us” was lost on me. If it’s good enough for the mice in that Christmas special, it was good enough for me here.

Famous for the wrong things

Sat, 04 Jun 2011 00:00:00 +0000

I took a picture once of my brother-in-law seated behind me on the bus on the way to work. I put it online. A few months later I got an email.

Hello, My name is Josh Hamilton and I am the CEO of an internet startup called yRidesyRides is a ridesharing website that helps people find or post carpools.Your photo at this link removed titled Weird Bus People we found humorous and thought it might be put to good use as a flyer. Would you be so kind as to let use the photo on some flyers? We haven’t made the flyer yet, but basically it would encourage people to not use the bus and to carpool instead.We understand that your licensing doesn’t allow for commercial use, but we would be grateful for your help as we are struggling start-up literally working out of a garage and living off ramen noodles.Looking forward to hearing from you.Sincerely, Josh Hamilton CEO yRides

The First ... LEON?

Sat, 12 Dec 2009 00:00:00 +0000

For a while I thought this might have been the ultimate goof. Someone thinking that if the lights were on the outside of the house, they needed to be backwards (to them) so that the words were forward (for us). Like writing on the outside of a window, for the people inside.

But then I decided that I was overthinking that explanation and that the owners just decided that Leon was pretty cool at Christmas.

...and that, kids, is how I broke my phone

Fri, 25 Sep 2009 00:00:00 +0000

Programmer Anal

Wed, 12 Aug 2009 00:00:00 +0000

There is a distinct disadvantage to being a Programmer Analyst

My Life According to Alice Cooper

Fri, 07 Aug 2009 00:00:00 +0000

Using only song names from ONE ARTIST, cleverly answer these questions.

Pass it on to 15 people you like (if you want to) and include me. You can’t use the band I used. Try not to repeat a song title. It’s a lot harder than you think! Re-post as “my life according to (band name)”

A disclaimer: Some of this stuff obviously isn’t true, the songs just fit that way.

Christmas Spirit Killer

Fri, 21 Dec 2007 00:00:00 +0000

For the very first time ever, Jim decided to make a dish to contribute to our office Xmas party. Jim’s most usual contribution to any office party is something easy like a 2-liter bottle of soda or just a cash donation.

Needless to say, we were all skeptical when he insisted that we’d be surprised when he showed up on party day with a homemade Taco Casserole.

Party day dawned and the unthinkable happened: Getting off the bus outside of work, Jim slipped on a patch of ice and down he went.

He's a pale fellow

Sun, 11 Feb 2007 00:00:00 +0000

So last night Carrie and Ashley and I went to see Jim Gaffigan. What a riot!! We got the tickets the moment they went on sale back in November, and it paid off when we got front row seats!! (Well, technically, there were three rows of folding chairs in front of us (what’s up with that?), but those seats were too close in my opinion; like sitting in the front row at the movies). He had an opening act, Rich Brooks, who was pretty funny, and he and Jim both stayed after the show to sign autographs and take pictures.

Nobody Believes A Headache

Thu, 12 Oct 2006 00:00:00 +0000

Have you ever had a headache? Sure you have. Have you ever tried to explain the pain to someone else? Using words like “splitting”, “aching”, “throbbing” or “tumor”? Do you think they have any idea how you really feel?

I had another of “my headaches” today. Woke up with it, took some aspirin, it got a little better, aspirin wore off, it came back way worse. It got so bad that I was getting nauseous and a little nervous. I’ve had bad headaches, but this was a “top-ten-ever” kinda headache, so I told my boss I was taking the rest of the afternoon off. As I packed up my stuff to come home, I told the guys in the office why I was leaving and got the impression that they really didn’t know how bad it was. Since I get these bad migraines every once in a while, this wasn’t the first time I’ve left work because of one. I was afraid of leaving the impression that I just wanted to slack off for the rest of the day, and knew that I could say the word “headache” and there would be no questions asked.

I'm Scared of My Car

Thu, 06 Feb 2003 00:00:00 +0000

It’s no secret I hated my 1997 Saturn SL2. Shortly after I bought it, I started having troubles with it. I also started having stress issues that took me years and years to work through.

Now, I’m not saying the car made me crazy.

But it helped.

A classic (in my own mind). I have had a lot of problems with my car and am admittedly way too obsessed with it. Writing this helped me through one of those times when I was ready to drive it back to the dealership and put a bullet in it.